Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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