Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
