Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
