I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
