foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
