too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Im part way to drunk.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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