I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my shit smells like andre
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
