That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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