The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
