Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
