so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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