white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
