Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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