no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
