she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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