Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
