I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Shame is for Republicans.
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