Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
