guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize