Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
