We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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