Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
