Where are you?
In a non slutty way
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
