i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
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Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
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Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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