when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
