I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
