I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My ass is underappreciated
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
