Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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