Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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