I should be sponsored by Trojan
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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