I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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