I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
