i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
