She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
