I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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