$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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