I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
