New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I will pee on everything he values.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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