She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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