I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
dude. I can hear the air.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
