okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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