I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
