I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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