She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
