This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
