goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
