Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
