woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
