get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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