I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
