ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
