When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
