Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
