guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
