good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
