my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
