Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
