I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
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I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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