I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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