don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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